i woke up with socks on this morning
i didnt wear socks last night
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
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He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
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Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol