I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down