After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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