So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
My vagina just recognized that song.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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