the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
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He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
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Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize