there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
