I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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