So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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