he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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