We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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