Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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