By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
