I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
