I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
