jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
