A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
