shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.