just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night