Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.