Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
