My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
