We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
