just come out here and I will go home with you...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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