and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
it hurts more in the daytime
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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