there was a trapeze. enough said
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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