Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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