We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
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Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
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is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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