i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
