Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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