After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
