I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
