I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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