I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
