So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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