My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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