The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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