There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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