Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
