So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
