just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
