Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i think i have two assholes
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
