I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
