im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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