ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
