He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
