you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
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There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
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Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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