i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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