I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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