I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
