I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
