from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
