Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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