I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
