Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
