My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
