Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
