this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
