Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
