Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?